Listen up, lads: Next week will see the release of the Scariest. Movie. Ever.

Yes, "Sex and the City 2" opens on May 27. If you happen to be in a relationship with a female, or you live on the same planet as one of them, you should be aware that the very existence of this movie threatens the cosmic harmonic balance of the man-woman thing.

That is, if you were to dismiss this flick, make light of it or totally ignore it, women everywhere will brand you a Neanderthal and, in this Facebook/Twitter age, your future relations with the fairer (fairer?) sex could be warped permanently.

We guys must draw upon all our knowledge of the Don Juan arts to survive these treacherous waters. To that end, I hereby answer your questions in this handy-dandy Male Viewers' Guide to "Sex and the City 2":

You say we guys should not ignore this chick flick. So, you're advising us to go see "Sex in the City 2" with our wives or girlfriends?

Whoa, whoa, whoooooa!

First, it's titled "Sex AND the City 2" -- not "Sex IN the City 2." Mistakenly use that two-letter preposition and your woman will suspect (know) that you are exploiting the occasion of this cinematic marvel merely to, ahem, be rewarded later.

Second, don't call SATC2 a chick flick.

It's not a chick flick?

Of course it is. Just don't call it that. For Carrie-philes, such movies as "Nights in Rodanthe" and "The Notebook" are mere chick flicks -- Harlequin romances of the silver screen in which a woman is a mere electron revolving around some Prince Charming's heart.

For Carrie-philes, SATC the TV series, SATC1 (the first movie) and SATC2 (the new sequel movie) are epics of the I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-over-a-cosmo-with-my-girlfriends variety .¤.¤. sort of a gal version (my term, not theirs) of "Citizen Kane."

Carrie-philes?

Fans of Carrie Bradshaw, the shoe-loving, sex columnist lead chick of SATC, who's portrayed by Sarah Jessica Parker. I'm getting the impression you're not a metrosexual or a SNAG.

Metro-SNAG?

Sensitive New Age Guy or . . . never mind.

I caught my lady watching the TV series one time, and Carrie called her boyfriend Mr. Big!

No need to feel intimidated. He didn't get his nickname from what you're assuming.

And, for skinny chicks, they talked a lot about food and drinks -- donut glaze and bags of tea.

Er, OK. And I guess you think a woman's place is in the kitchen?

And Carrie loves Manolo Blahnik -- wasn't he a goalie for the Philadelphia Flyers? Who would have thought she'd be a hockey fan?

You're going to spend the next five years in Manolo's penalty box.

So, do I dare go see "Sex" with my lady or not?

Of course you do!

Of course you don't!

Make overtures about taking her to see the beast and she'll sniff out that you're running a con, pretending to be a SNAG.

Act like this cinematic masterpiece doesn't exist, or diss it, and you're pegged as a brute who thinks Dick Butkus' autographed jockstrap would make a great Valentine's Day gift.

Bottom line: You're on your own with this one, buddy.