Ancient prophets believed the future could be foretold by haruspicy -- the art of interpreting the entrails of sacrificed animals.
We modern people have moved beyond such foolishness. We now know the future can be predicted by interpreting the droop in Mick Jagger's jowls.
Having carefully inspected Sir Mick's jaws during the recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame concerts, I can safely predict here are the headlines you'll be reading in the coming year. Guaranteed.
Playing in his first golf tournament since returning from you-know-what, Tiger Woods scores a 63 -- on the first two holes. Tiger retires from golf before teeing off on the third hole, then signs a $2,183 contract to star with Danny Bonaduce, Gary Coleman and a Kardashian sister to be named later in a revival of the reality series "Mad Mad House."
Rolling Stone magazine decides not to wait until 2020 to continue its deification of Bruce Springsteen, and goes ahead and names the Boss its Artist of the (coming) Decade. Bono weeps.
"We got word the Vatican was gonna move in on our turf and canonize the Boss," Rolling Stone editor JannWenner says in a huff. "What's next -- the pope uses his connections to get an exclusive interview with Springsteen? No one beats us at enshrining his Bruce-iness!"
Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad halts his country's nuclear weapons program after viewing a bootleg of "Avatar" and mistaking it for a top-secret Pentagon film on new U.S. military technology.
Ahmadinejad jump-starts a new program to have Iran's soldiers painted blue and fitted with prosthetic tails.
Rolling Stone magazine reviews the new album "Music From the Vatican -- Alma Mater, Featuring the Voice of Pope Benedict XVI."
"This guy's music is crap!" writes Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner in his one-star review.
The National Inquiring Tattler reports that Tiger Woods had an affair with British singing sensation Susan Boyle.
"She's got talent!" Woods blabs in the headline.
The pope cancels his subscription to Rolling Stone magazine, then canonizes Bruce Springsteen the next day.
"All praise St. Bruce of Asbury Park," his holiness proclaims during the induction ceremony. Afterward, during the traditional all-star saint jam, the pope gets his miter signed by his Bruce-iness.
The National Inquiring Tattler retracts its story that Tiger and Susan Boyle were doing the hanky-panky. Instead, under the headline "Cute Couple!," the Tattler reports that Boyle and Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards are engaged to be married.
"Wild horses couldn't drag me away," Richards says. "Too bad I didn't hook up with Susan back in the '60s. My band coulda used a great chick singer instead of that guy we had."
Rapper Kanye West bursts onstage at the Richards-Boyle wedding while the bride's version of "Wild Horses" is playing over the church sound system. Kanye shouts that Beyonce deserves to be Keith's bride. Boyle lays out Kanye with a punch to the jaw.
Pope Benedict canonizes Susan Boyle, praising her right hook and citing her miraculous work in keeping the world safe from stage-crashing rappers.
We modern people have moved beyond such foolishness. We now know the future can be predicted by interpreting the droop in Mick Jagger's jowls.
Having carefully inspected Sir Mick's jaws during the recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame concerts, I can safely predict here are the headlines you'll be reading in the coming year. Guaranteed.
Playing in his first golf tournament since returning from you-know-what, Tiger Woods scores a 63 -- on the first two holes. Tiger retires from golf before teeing off on the third hole, then signs a $2,183 contract to star with Danny Bonaduce, Gary Coleman and a Kardashian sister to be named later in a revival of the reality series "Mad Mad House."Rolling Stone magazine decides not to wait until 2020 to continue its deification of Bruce Springsteen, and goes ahead and names the Boss its Artist of the (coming) Decade. Bono weeps.
"We got word the Vatican was gonna move in on our turf and canonize the Boss," Rolling Stone editor JannWenner says in a huff. "What's next -- the pope uses his connections to get an exclusive interview with Springsteen? No one beats us at enshrining his Bruce-iness!"Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad halts his country's nuclear weapons program after viewing a bootleg of "Avatar" and mistaking it for a top-secret Pentagon film on new U.S. military technology.
Ahmadinejad jump-starts a new program to have Iran's soldiers painted blue and fitted with prosthetic tails.
Rolling Stone magazine reviews the new album "Music From the Vatican -- Alma Mater, Featuring the Voice of Pope Benedict XVI."
"This guy's music is crap!" writes Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner in his one-star review.
The National Inquiring Tattler reports that Tiger Woods had an affair with British singing sensation Susan Boyle.
"She's got talent!" Woods blabs in the headline.
The pope cancels his subscription to Rolling Stone magazine, then canonizes Bruce Springsteen the next day.
"All praise St. Bruce of Asbury Park," his holiness proclaims during the induction ceremony. Afterward, during the traditional all-star saint jam, the pope gets his miter signed by his Bruce-iness.
The National Inquiring Tattler retracts its story that Tiger and Susan Boyle were doing the hanky-panky. Instead, under the headline "Cute Couple!," the Tattler reports that Boyle and Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards are engaged to be married.
"Wild horses couldn't drag me away," Richards says. "Too bad I didn't hook up with Susan back in the '60s. My band coulda used a great chick singer instead of that guy we had."
Rapper Kanye West bursts onstage at the Richards-Boyle wedding while the bride's version of "Wild Horses" is playing over the church sound system. Kanye shouts that Beyonce deserves to be Keith's bride. Boyle lays out Kanye with a punch to the jaw.
Pope Benedict canonizes Susan Boyle, praising her right hook and citing her miraculous work in keeping the world safe from stage-crashing rappers.
