Tired of seeing coworkers drag themselves in on Monday morning with rueful expressions, fantastic stories about unlikely social activities, and smeared inkstains on the back of their hands which hint at bars and clubs that are far too exclusive for people like you? So what if you spent your weekend reorganizing your spoons by bowl depth? Shouldn't you get to be in the spotlight every now and then?
The stories are easy, if you can lie. Add an exotic and mysterious person of the appropriate gender who was all over you, mix in some fighting and car chases, neglect not the hard-partying celebrity who dropped in and traded cottage cheese shots with you all night, and describe in loving detail the robbery you thwarted before you passed out. But if you're not up to extemporaneously creating a life, I can help you with the part you really need: the physical evidence. If you want to suggest you've been nightclubbing with the best of them, you need the right hand stamps. I suggest you make your own.
First of all, they can't be from any bars or clubs that your coworkers might have visited, since then you have to concoct stories about shootouts in the back alley, sorry, must have just missed you. And hand stamps from Disney aren't nearly as impressive, unless there actually was a shootout. What you need to do is invent your own nightspots, places so exclusive that none of your friends have even heard of them and therefore can't gainsay your wildly spun tales of heroic extravagance. Here's some suggestions:
The Gorilla Pit
Angsty's
Mick's All-Nite Abattoir
Pruriently Interesting
Penultimate Chance Saloon
Nine!
Arial Black
Open Wound Saloon and Billiards
Pastafarian's Bar and Grill
Tom, Ben, & Jerry's
The Congressman's Head Tavern
Girls in Shorts Bring You Beer
Coyote Great Personality
Dueling Tubas
Chemical Dump Waterfront Cafe
Nebuchadnezzar 'n' Charlie's
The Slightly Impaired Pig Pub
The Single Entendre
Luke's Bistro and Esperanto Poetry Slam
Intense
Intenser
Intenserest
45 Proof
Migrane's
Good Time Chisholm's Funky Electric Weevil Smokehouse and Tavern
Once you have a name, you can either make your own stamp -- cut a raw potato in half and carve away everything that doesn't look like the bar name, backwards -- or scribble out a design for a local rubber stamp company to create for you. Once you have one, stamp your hand, let it dry slightly, then drip some alcohol on it and let it run a little. Perfect! You've been somewhere!
When asked, just look down guiltily and rub it on your pants, muttering "I was out last night," and leave it at that. Let 'em wonder.
And pick up some more potatoes on the way home.
