Thanks to YouTube, no one has to sit through anything, ever again, and that fits my watching style perfectly. I want an edited life. I want someone else to endure existence and upload the good parts.

I've never watched an entire basketball game, never seen two football teams hammer each other for two hours, and I'm pretty sure I blacked out during the one Major League baseball game I attended. (This is why fans harass and throw things at the players, by the way. It's not obsessive enthusiasm; they're bored and trying to stay awake for the drive home. If the stadium managers stuck Sudoku puzzles on the back of the programs or stashed some of those little Cracker Barrel golf tee pyramid puzzles under the seats, injuries from thrown beer bottles would be a thing of the past.)

My favorite sports program? The 10 o'clock news. That's where I'll see the basketball player making a one-handed 94-foot swish from underneath his own basket with a half-second to go. That's where I'll see tennis players making jaw-dropping points, golfers sinking hole-in-one shots so miraculous and precise you know there's a contract signed in blood in their golf bags, and the physically impossible hockey save that turned a goalie into a local god. Hours of time saved on my part that can be put to better use watching "Best Of" compilation DVDs.

I can pound through books like potato chips because I skip the exposition and descriptions of weather. Do I really need to know that stygian clouds were sweeping across the midnight sky like... I don't know, I never read that stuff. Instead I zip through looking for dialogue, action scenes, and the word "naked" and then move on.

I love DVDs. No ads, no way to force me to see all the character development and other filler. Long, anguished emotional scene? The Skip button is my friend.

But there's still the rest of the world to deal with. Why should I come into work for the full day when I know I'll be working furiously for 3 hours and spending the rest of the time talking to coworkers, wearing out the floor between my office and the Pepsi machine, and trying to break my all-time record for pencils in the ceiling? (184) Waste of time on everyone's part, really.

I'd be totally behind the concept of the Adam Sandler movie "Click," probably. Can't say for sure since I fast-forwarded past all the dumb scenes and watched it all in 4 minutes, 36 seconds, but I think that just proves my point.

Do I need to see the kids every day? Couldn't I just pop in for the high points? Birth, first diaper, first step, first word, first tooth, first lost tooth, first day of school, first arrest, high school graduation? We could sweep through that in a weekend. I'm a busy guy!

In fact, I'm thinking that major threshold points in every child's life should be automatically uploaded to YouTube for easy viewing, with options to "Send to a Friend," "Watch Again," and "Bond." Way easier, and your child will always know that you're there for him or her. Of course I love you! Look, you're in my Favorites! Or you could just subscribe to your kid's MySpace blog and get bulletins.

Then there's the whole marriage thing, but I can't get into that right now. I've got movie trailers to watch, TV episode recaps to see, and I think my boss wants to talk to me about pencils or something.